When Flies Fly Open on the First Date…

I just had one of those dates that inspired me to start blogging – a bit horrifying for me, potentially good reading for you! Not sure if you want to know more? Here’s a sneak peek (no pun intended): unzipped pants, Madonna singing impersonations (with corresponding dance moves), and barking sounds ALL in one fun-filled first-date package!

Curious yet? Ok ok, here’s the scoop. So I met this guy “Mike” at a happy hour a few weeks ago. Cute(ish), witty(ish), a bit socially awkward but hard to tell whether it was a permanent state of being or just situational. I’ll let you guess which it turned out to be. Called me the next day (good move… although sadly, the last one). Somehow over email an “inside joke” materialized about the HOT new jeans Mike bough at Nordstrom’s (you know, THE place world-renowned for sexy jeans.)

Mike promised to wear them on our date (be still my heart) and as we were waiting for our table at the bar, Mike offered to show off his smokin’ pants in a model-like twirl. He even lifted up his shirt for full effect. BIG mistake, especially since it was followed by “Did you see everyone checking out my hot jeans?” What poor Mike neglected to notice was 1) my half-mortified, half-amused expression, directly resulting from 2) his wide-open fly!!! Honestly, it was a bit like stumbling on one of those embarrassing, not so-funny and probably contrived “Funniest Home Videos” where a guy tried to impress his date with his wit, charm and suave moves but doesn’t realize all the while that his fly is open. Except in this case it wasn’t a silly TV show, it was my date! Someone had to break the news to Mike (ooh, ooh ME!)

How does one recover from flashing a girl (and the entire restaurant) on the first date? Well, of course by asking about her strangest dating experiences. “Umm, you mean prior to this one?” I joked (hey, when you don’t zip up you leave yourself wide open – no pun intended again – to a bit of gentle teasing.) I wasn’t sure how to prioritize my weird dating stories (alphabetically? chronologically??) and finally settled on the barking story. Yes, I’ve been now barked at by THREE completely different men. At least until this date it was three – sadly, my count keeps going up.

As a side note, have YOU ever been barked at? I hear from friends it’s not all that common. Apparently, most women inspire flowers or chocolate or poetry. As it turns out, not me – I inspire barking!  Anyway, I’m not sure how Mike got the idea that barking was a positive (as opposed to deeply disturbing) idea because half-way through dinner, he suddenly broke out in barks. What’s even stranger is that he went for the high pitch, little yuppy dog barks “arph arph”. Quite odd for a fairly large man – I mean the other THREE men at least chose the more size-appropriate, masculine “Woof WOOF” barks. Well… I seriously can’t believe I now have enough experience to actually compare bark tones among my human dates! Think there’s a support group for women like me?

But it wasn’t over yet. As if I didn’t have enough blog material already, next topic Mike brought up was Madonna and particularly her more recent albums. When I expressed my preference for her earlier work Mike’s face lit up “You mean Like a Virgin?” he asked. What followed next was another first for me… Mike not only broke out in song (incidentally, much closer in pitch and musicality to the previously-mentioned barking than to Madonna’s singing) but he even had corresponding choreography all worked out. He must have rehearsed this routine before because he did all this quite flamboyantly without knocking a single dish off the table! Talk about grace!

I won’t bore you with other socially awkward things poor Mike perpetrated before I managed to get away. I was getting worried that before long this story would cross the line from unbelievably amusing to plain unbelievable.  And I’d cross over from mildly amused to permanently traumatized.

So there you have it. Two firsts and one FOURTH bizarre pattern in my dating history. As always, questions, comments, and condolences are welcome!


4 responses to “When Flies Fly Open on the First Date…

  1. Perhaps he’s in denial about being gay??

  2. Perhaps, but unfortunately I think he’s just truly clueless. Oh, but thanks for reminding me about the guy I once dated for whom I think I WAS his straight experiment. More on that later 😉

  3. Pingback: Of Men, Flies and Rock & Roll « Ask Lillie

  4. I had the same issue, I dont know who was more embarrassed me or him lol

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