Tag Archives: weird dates

Beauty and the Beastly Ego

Mo, Egypt (#3 in my quest for “18 dates around the world“)

When a man describes himself in the first email as “tall, dark and handsome”, includes an attractive picture and interesting facts about himself – eclectic educational background, interesting job and extensive travel experience – AND happens to have one of those amazingly deep, seductive voices on the phone, any red-blooded girl would be wondering 1) is he my dream man? and 2) what’s the catch?? I couldn’t wait to meet Mo to find out in which category he belonged. You know which I was rooting for… and I’ll give you one guess which it ended up being!

Before we met up we chatted on the phone to figure out all the logistics. Once again Mo’s sexy voice voice sent little shivers down my spine (hmm, this could be beginnings of a romance novel… or a fairy tale!) Just to be sure we’d recognize each other we described ourselves – I as wearing a red coat, and Mo as “tall, dark and handsome”. Whereas on email it sounded confident and promising, in person it seemed a bit strange because he said it completely seriously, without any trace of humor, playfulness or self-deprecation. Red flag – that perfectly matched my coat – made its first appearance.

Mo was waiting at the door and sure enough he was “tall, dark and handsome”. In fact VERY handsome and very tall and not just compared to my 5’3″ and a half”. I was quite predisposed to like him – especially since he gave me a great big hug (I am a sucker for good huggers!) Unfortunately, he made it quite difficult to maintain the positive first impression. My heart sank as soon as he started speaking. He had mannerisms of someone who despite constantly being told that he is “tall, dark and handsome” and likely “interesting and smart” harbors secret fears that he is, in fact, not good enough. Of course he has to mask this deeply-rooted self-loathing with an overtly superior and condescending attitude (which is not only directed towards people but also objects, including wine glasses, cutlery and nearby furniture).

Not only that but every attempt at conversation turned into a debate. Although I debated semi-professionally in college – and clearly have appreciation for it under appropriate circumstances – I was exhausted ten minutes into the date. Even when we were in complete agreement, Mo found a way to make it sound like I was actually arguing with him. Our conversation went something like this:

Mo: So, what color do you think is this red wine?
Me: I believe this wine is red.
Mo: On the contrary my dear, this wine is the most truest red there could be. It’s because it comes from a rare grape in France that is harvested at its peak in order to produce this truly superb red color. So you see, this wine is perfectly red and for a reason!
Me: Umm, ok (SCREAM inside my head)

As he was talking – or building a case, not sure for what – I kept tuning Mo out. In addition to it probably being some sort of a self-preservation mechanism, it was bugging me that Mo reminded me of someone I couldn’t quite place. It was driving me crazy as I generally have an excellent memory for people (which is only matched by my complete inability to recall trivia and numbers). I was starting to give up when EURECA – it suddenly struck me whom Mo resembled! Phew, I could now fall asleep at night! Except it was suddenly near impossible to refrain from laughing. The resemblance – both physical and particularly attitudinal – was uncanny! Mo reminded me of none other than Gaston, Belle’s unfortunate suitor in the Disney version of Beauty in the Beast. In case you are not familiar with Gaston, take a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDMfpbdbHWg&feature=related.

So now imagine being on a date; the guy is talking – well actually having a deeply self-involved monologue – and all you can do is imagine silly Disney scenes in your head! At least it made the evening more entertaining!

Well, another day, another blog-worthy date. Although I theoretically have 15 more to go I am hoping that it will only be maybe 2 or at most 4 before I find someone worth giving up the rest of ’em for! Till then, enjoy my mid-adventures!  If you’ve ever dated someone who reminded you of a movie, cartoon or book character (in a good or a funny way), I’d love to hear from you!

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Of Flies and Men

You may remember my last not-so-hot date with a guy who had an open fly and a shrill bark (so wish I were kidding!) Thankfully my latest date kept his pants zipped up. But alas, this story once again involves flies… this time of the insect variety.

Jay, Haiti ( #1 in my quest for “18 dates around the world“)

From first email Jay was VERY enthusiastic, quirky and entertaining. Jay is a scientist at the National Institute of Health and cute according to a very smiley picture. Entertaining, cute and smart – great combination, at least for one date, I thought. I couldn’t have quite predicted the direction our date would take, but I have to say my instinct were right on! I had a ball meeting Jay – just not the Cinderella kind of a ball.

Jay emailed me earlier in the day to ask how to get to the airport from DC since he was new in town. He was apparently going to a conference in Seattle. There was only one glitch – his plane wasn’t leaving until 6 am the NEXT day! He was planning to camp out at the airport all night to save himself an admittedly expensive taxi ride from Maryland. I was a little worried, aside from the ex-murderer joke he slipped in for good measure in the same email. At least I hoped it was a joke!

A person who greeted me at the restaurant had a huge smile plastered on his face and was dragging along a HUGE backpack and his energy was just… HUGE! I had always considered myself an enthusiastic person, but interacting with Jay made me feel positively introverted. Jay’s LOUD voice filled the little restaurant and my quest for privacy was suddenly endangered, “Lillie? Finally we meet!!! Rock & roll dude!!!” He really does talk like that (which goes right along with his youthful appearance – 30ish going on 13. I am sure he’ll be grateful for it in 10 years or so.)

I didn’t want to damper Jay’s enthusiasm and decided to be subtle (not a strong suit here!) Instead of asking him to speak quietly, I lowered my own tone, hoping he’d follow cue. He didn’t and I finally resigned myself to the fact that everyone in the restaurant will know more about my date than they probably cared to. AND about Jay’s greatest passion in life… Fruit Flies!

Jay is a geneticist and the conference in WA was all about fruit flies. That’s right, there are enough people in this world wildly enamored with the subject to actually have an entire conference devoted to it! Did you know that there are over 1500 types of fruit flies? I found this out in the first few minutes of sitting down (along with other fascinating fruit fly facts I did not retain). Since our relationship was becoming purely insectual anyway, I decided to seize the opportunity to resolve something that has been bugging me for years (what can I say, not only do I seem to be prone to puns, I also have geeky tendencies!) But seriously, haven’t you ever wondered, if matter can’t be created or destroyed, where do those pesky fruit flies come from when your produce ripens?? Curious minds want to know (and finally found out!)

I can’t describe the look of pure joy on his face when I assured Jay that I am indeed sincerely interested in fruit fly procreation. It was like he had found a long lost fly-mate. In an exhilarated voice that made it seem like he was discussing his latest sky diving or surfing expedition (dude!) Jay enlightened me about the reproductive habits of fruit flies. I have to say, it was way more entertaining than I could have hoped for. In fact, the rest of our conversations were also super-fun. Jay is one of those people who is so excited about life that even his complaints come across as the biggest adventures EVER!

Time flies when you’re having fun (no pun intended!) I dropped Jay off at the airport knowing we’re not a match, but delighted to have met someone so full of life, excitement AND useful information. I sure hope he finds what and who he is searching for. As for me, I am off on international date #2. Stay tuned!

When Flies Fly Open on the First Date…

I just had one of those dates that inspired me to start blogging – a bit horrifying for me, potentially good reading for you! Not sure if you want to know more? Here’s a sneak peek (no pun intended): unzipped pants, Madonna singing impersonations (with corresponding dance moves), and barking sounds ALL in one fun-filled first-date package!

Curious yet? Ok ok, here’s the scoop. So I met this guy “Mike” at a happy hour a few weeks ago. Cute(ish), witty(ish), a bit socially awkward but hard to tell whether it was a permanent state of being or just situational. I’ll let you guess which it turned out to be. Called me the next day (good move… although sadly, the last one). Somehow over email an “inside joke” materialized about the HOT new jeans Mike bough at Nordstrom’s (you know, THE place world-renowned for sexy jeans.)

Mike promised to wear them on our date (be still my heart) and as we were waiting for our table at the bar, Mike offered to show off his smokin’ pants in a model-like twirl. He even lifted up his shirt for full effect. BIG mistake, especially since it was followed by “Did you see everyone checking out my hot jeans?” What poor Mike neglected to notice was 1) my half-mortified, half-amused expression, directly resulting from 2) his wide-open fly!!! Honestly, it was a bit like stumbling on one of those embarrassing, not so-funny and probably contrived “Funniest Home Videos” where a guy tried to impress his date with his wit, charm and suave moves but doesn’t realize all the while that his fly is open. Except in this case it wasn’t a silly TV show, it was my date! Someone had to break the news to Mike (ooh, ooh ME!)

How does one recover from flashing a girl (and the entire restaurant) on the first date? Well, of course by asking about her strangest dating experiences. “Umm, you mean prior to this one?” I joked (hey, when you don’t zip up you leave yourself wide open – no pun intended again – to a bit of gentle teasing.) I wasn’t sure how to prioritize my weird dating stories (alphabetically? chronologically??) and finally settled on the barking story. Yes, I’ve been now barked at by THREE completely different men. At least until this date it was three – sadly, my count keeps going up.

As a side note, have YOU ever been barked at? I hear from friends it’s not all that common. Apparently, most women inspire flowers or chocolate or poetry. As it turns out, not me – I inspire barking!  Anyway, I’m not sure how Mike got the idea that barking was a positive (as opposed to deeply disturbing) idea because half-way through dinner, he suddenly broke out in barks. What’s even stranger is that he went for the high pitch, little yuppy dog barks “arph arph”. Quite odd for a fairly large man – I mean the other THREE men at least chose the more size-appropriate, masculine “Woof WOOF” barks. Well… I seriously can’t believe I now have enough experience to actually compare bark tones among my human dates! Think there’s a support group for women like me?

But it wasn’t over yet. As if I didn’t have enough blog material already, next topic Mike brought up was Madonna and particularly her more recent albums. When I expressed my preference for her earlier work Mike’s face lit up “You mean Like a Virgin?” he asked. What followed next was another first for me… Mike not only broke out in song (incidentally, much closer in pitch and musicality to the previously-mentioned barking than to Madonna’s singing) but he even had corresponding choreography all worked out. He must have rehearsed this routine before because he did all this quite flamboyantly without knocking a single dish off the table! Talk about grace!

I won’t bore you with other socially awkward things poor Mike perpetrated before I managed to get away. I was getting worried that before long this story would cross the line from unbelievably amusing to plain unbelievable.  And I’d cross over from mildly amused to permanently traumatized.

So there you have it. Two firsts and one FOURTH bizarre pattern in my dating history. As always, questions, comments, and condolences are welcome!